So Thursday evening came and he came home in a good mood. We had a relaxed evening. While we were chatting on the couch I thought it was now or never and just spilled the beans while keeping my breath. His first words to me were “Why?” in disbelieve. Then he repeated it “so you were texting while driving?” His final words were something like this “well I will have to deal with that, can’t let that slip”. But Friday morning came and we have two little early bird girls that do not give us a lot of privacy. Friday night we had our date night, it was His turn and he took me to a concert of one of my favourite artist. We came home late and very tired. Saturday night he fell asleep in front of the television. Sunday night I was all ready to climb in bed when he woke after falling asleep again and said with a half-smile, “come let’s get this over with right now, it is a good start for the week”. Oh boy, it was severe and he used three implements (his hand, belt and a cane)! Ouch! He made his point! During my spanking he threw in some other concerns he has for me like my eating habit (I don’t eat enough according to him). I was reminded of my error at least until Wednesday, every time I sat down or even got goose bumps in the cold mornings we already experience.
Thursday night this week we had an argument, about what? I will tell you, although I am a bit scared to even type this. We argued about DD, yes we did, yip! The words that came out of his mouth were hurtful to say the least, but also necessary, I guess. It put everything good that I had experienced about dd to an instant halt and I could only think about the hurt I experienced. Every time when I thought about us, him or dd I had to swallow this deep heavy feeling that stretched from my throat through my heart down to my stomach. It was horrible; I did not know how God wanted me to handle this. I knew I had to start somewhere. Because I felt how I slowly was thinking myself into rebellion, anger and anything but submissiveness. I became bratty and sassy and had a “don’t care” attitude towards anything that involved him or the rules. I couldn’t sleep properly, eat or even think of sex. Knowing that I should be and stay submissive with or without a DD marriage. Since I am doing it for God and not for my husband or the benefits that DD provides. I decided to remove myself from anything I need, I feel, I want etc. I focused only on my role and what God wants me to learn from this. It was an internal war for three days, Friday until today. It was a battle in my mind and I am sure he could see something is up with me. The details of our argument are not important but the core of the problem he had with me was that I am trying to force the way I see DD down his throat, I want DD but I want to control it. Now I can honestly say this was not my intension at all, I do want him to take the lead and I do want him to do it because he believes in it as well. But he did not feel this was true and did not spare me what he thinks of me. The only reason why I can think it gave him this idea, is that sometimes I feel that he is not into it as I am, then I feel unsure and insecure because I don’t want him to do this just because I want it, but because he believes in it too. I want him to take the ball and run with it all the way. So maybe I reacted on these feelings when I became needy and sent the wrong message across. Luckily for me we had a nice rescue boat, which was our church’s conference this whole weekend every evening and it was a huge blessing. We had guest speakers from Texas and I started on Friday feeling anything between raw, angry, lonely and humbled all together until this morning where I gave over to God and just let Him heal me, help me to forgive my husband but I also let God help me to see the bigger picture. I have realized that as soon as you forgive whether you are right or wrong it is as if God helps you to understand the other person. But only after you forgive, it is as if forgiveness and hurt blocks your spiritual eyes from seeing what God’s wants to show you. So here tonight on Mothers day, there are peace between us. We had a nice afternoon and even had time to take a “nap” in private; at least this is what we told the children ;).
I understand why he feels the way he does, but also understand why I reacted the way I did. The whole problem is trust. I always had this thing in my head that because I suggested DD, he does not want it; he is just doing it for me. So I never trusted him enough to go ahead and figure this thing out for himself and then establish it. I have this fear in me that he will not be in this with me completely. I wish I can kneel in front of him tonight and look him in the eyes. I wish I can ask for his forgiveness for making him feel this way. For overwhelming him with my neediness. I wish I can ask him if we could start over. So that I can ask him for this again, but this time I leave him and trust him to take the control. This time I rest in in the trust that comes with being a submissive Godly wife. But at this point I think he wants to run from the topic, so I do not have the peace of mind to do it.
Will I get needy again? Definitely, I feel needy at least once a week. I need authority, his authority. But will God give me the strength to trust my husband, to let go and let God be. Well this will be my prayer whenever I feel frustrated or insecure again.