You can find me now at rocksolidlove.wordpress.com
Hope all of you have a blessed weekend so far.
This is a post to let you know that I am writing a different blog. If you want to follow me there, you will be welcomed with open arms it will be about the same topics than this one and maybe more :). Maybe I will come and visit this one every now and then. I don't know yet. I feel kind of sad saying goodbye to my very first blog. But I am also very excited about the new one. Hope I will see you and many more there.
You can find me now at rocksolidlove.wordpress.com
Hope all of you have a blessed weekend so far.
Sometimes your life gets too busy, sometimes we are on our own and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
When you get of track in these times, what to do. Who is going to bring you back to the place where you feel motivated, save, reslieved from stress and curled up into your submissive self. Who
can do all those things for you when your husband can't. Who will give you a squeeze when you feel emotional, a stern look when you are entering the danger zone, a swat on the butt when you are cute, or not cute at all ;). Who will give you the spanking or your life when you have done something deserving of it. Who will send you comforting messages or repremanding ones through out the day?
The answer is.... no one will. This a role reserved only for the special men in our lives. They did not force it on us, we chose it.
The reality is although they are our hero's, they are not super hero's. They are human beings, with lives outside the marriage bubble. They also get tired, irretable, busy, distracted and yes although very rare emotional (in their own manly way) . Besides the fact that we can be seperated from our spouses by death any day. We can also be seperated by circumstances. They also feel that they are not in the mood to deal with our behaviour, hormones etc.
What to do, what to do? Because surely these facts I have mentioned does not change the fact that we still need what we need. This is where I think that we need to get ways to discipline ourselves and use our own strategies to get back on track on our own, knowing that when the time is ready our faithful husbands and friends will be right back there leading and taking care of us like before.
This week this got me thinking. What can I do when my husband is not able to meet my needs and to help me get back where I belong. Because I was definitely not in a good place not for me or my behind. I am tired, hormonal and just much too busy for my own good. I just want time for myself, time to recharge, time without routine and endless lists of responsibilities in one day! Monday I got in trouble, which my husband handled VERY firmly before bed time, Tuesday again and Wednesday almost! I am thankful for his constant commitment in this thing. But I want and need to find a way to get myself a plan B. I need to find a strategy to get myself back where I belong, back to my submissive, calm and happy place on my own. This will be my challenge to myself to find my own plan B and maybe a plan C and D as well;)
What about you?
I just want to share this picture with you. Maybe someone out there reading my blog needs it.
Sometimes life gets busy, things get scratchy and itchy in our marriages. This is when we get needy and usually this is also when our husbands are not always able to fulfill our needs. This is when you have to remember, when life is happening out there, what do you have? What treasures are there in your relationship with him. Because when the rush is over and the storms calmed down. Who is there to receive you with open arms, who is the friend ready to give what you need? Hold on, be strong and keep praying for them, they need it.
Yes, I know I have disapeared for a while. My life was just extremely busy. In a way the break was good for me. But here I am ready to share my life wiith you again.
My marriage has grown into something quite special and beautiful this past few months. Between all the busyness we have found ourselves in this DD- world. We discovered a whole new level of this dynamic. We developed ways to meet each other, which made us fell in love over and over again. I am not saying we had no challenges and frutrations we certainly had them. But it was the way we handled them that has changed.
I also had alot of support from my blog friends too, I am so thankful for them.
My dear husband is growing into the HOH I need and I am growing into the wife he needs and desires. But ontop of all this we have reached a new place where we developed our own DD-identity, our own way of doing this. The last two years was jsut about reading, reading, reading and comparing our DD-marriage with others which was good and necessary too. But now we are implimenting all the information we have found and throw out what doesn't work and keeping those that work. Yes, we are in a good place growing into our own identity. Him leading firmly but gently and me following him wisely but submissively.
There are a few things I secretly do when he is not looking. It is things I enjoy or like to admire about him. I thought I would share them with you.
I married a handy man, so whenever he is busy in the garage he usually wears old clothes, which normally involves shirts without sleeves (you will never catch him outside the house with those). They are only for dirty work on a hot day according to him. I like to peek around the corner at the entrance of the garage and watch him work. I admire the way he walks, uses his hands and focus quietly on something. I like to admire his biceps and calf muscles as he picks up and move things around.
Then there are the times he gets dressed while I am still in bed, I quietly lie there and drink in every part of his body that I like. He visits the gym every day from Monday-Friday, so he really looks good, to me;).
When he has to go away for work out of town and has to sleep over then I sleep in one of his shirts and make sure it is one that smells like him, he always smells good.
I secretly admire the fact that he is someone that can survive on self- motivation most of the time. He does not need someone to motivate him or give any “build up” speeches. If he does stumble upon some motivational speeches it will help him and that motivation will remain in him from the moment he makes it his own. When he decides something it will be that way.
Whenever he is sleeping I lie down next to him and watch his face his lips, ears, eyes etc. I will put my head on his chest and focus on his heart beat or slow breathing.
I admire the fact that he is almost always right about someone. His judge of character amazes me. He is a quiet person, but whenever he makes a comment about something it always turns out the way he thought it would. Sometimes he would tell me something about a friend, for example: “be careful don’t trust her yet.” Then that friend would end up doing something that breaks my trust.
Whenever we are singing during praise and worship in our church, I sometimes close my eyes and stop singing so I can listen to him softly singing. He sings beautiful to me, although he disagrees.
We have a television in our bedroom, so when we are on our bed you can see our reflection in it like a mirror if it is off. So whenever I get spanked over his knee, I will sometimes watch him spank me, only until the third smack, since I then rather concentrate on taking the pain.
I like the way he lectures me, it is a soft, calm and deep voice.
Whenever we are in the car waiting for him outside his office I usually sit and admire him in his is working clothes as he approaches the car. Sometimes I will even tell my daughters “look at your handsome daddy”.
I like to pack his lunch box when he is not present, I usually put some sort of surprize in there whether it is a treat, his favourite sandwich, a bible verse, a short love letter or even something naughty;)
I love to watch him ride his motorbike… (Need I say more?)
I love to watch him while he plays with our daughters or the dogs. He always has this boyish, carefree look in his eyes and the most beautiful smile.
I absolutely love his naughty eyes!!
Sometimes when we are with friends and family, I will secretly just stand or sit and watch him always being himself, being for real and not fake. When he wants to help you, you will see it in his eyes.
There are a lot I do to show him I love him. To show him I adore him and how much love I experience when I am with him. But sometimes I just enjoy him when he is not even aware of it. Secretly loving him!! I think I will keep it that way, for my eyes and heart only.
This year has been a year of growth, but it has also been a roller coaster ride, I went way up and then way down. It is probably visible in my blog posts. The past two weeks a lot has happened, not externally but internally. In my heart and in my mind. I have changed for the better; my opinion about certain things also has changed. Thanks to good friends who are willing to listen and to read about what I am feeling I got through this and experienced it in a very positive way. I got really good and helpful advise which I am very thankful for, but also experienced how rewarding it is just to be listened to even if it is something that is just about your everyday life.
Saturday we had our date night; it was lots of fun as we had to do something creative. We made something with photos for our daughters’ bedroom walls. It was so funny to see my macho man doing girly stuff, isn’t he just the sweetest thing!? I cooked for us and we enjoyed each other’s company. After I rubbed his feet, he very sweetly but firmly gave me an instruction which involved me going to the bedroom. I knew I was in trouble, but didn’t suspect in any form of punishment on our date night since we were all “lovey dovey” the whole evening. Well, apparently he felt he wanted to get that out of the way before we went on with the rest of our date. So we had to mix our business with pleasure. It involved three ties, his hand and his belt. It was a sobering experience since I thought my first encounter with the ties in his closet would be for more erotic reasons and not punishment. But who am I to complain? He is the one in control and the aftercare was really, really good!! It was a very important moment for me in my DD marriage, this was the first time since my first spanking that I did not have any influence or control over the situation. Exactly how it should be!! If I only trusted him earlier I would have spared myself a lot of frustration and tears.
I have realized through all the changes in me that this thing will not work without God. As a Christian this is very important. This was the mistake I made, you see I felt condemned for so long that I did not discuss this with God. I blogged about God, prayed every morning. I said I would pray about DD, but never had the courage. It is as if I wanted to keep God and DD in two separate rooms because deep down I felt ashamed and unsure if He would approve. I did not try to hide it from God, because that is impossible. I just avoided the subject during my personal prayer time. Then a friend gave me these six words and it got stuck in my head: “your ultimate obedience is to God”. Little did I know God started something in me when she said those words to me. Because every time I spent time with Him, or listened to Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince these words were confirmed. “Ask God first”, “Go to God first”, “Trust that God cares about everything in your life”, “Let God in every part of your life” “Believe right then you will live right”, “You can ask God for wisdom for everything”
Tuesday morning I went in my room and for the first time ever, I prayed sincerely for my DD marriage. I was honest I told God everything I wanted and needed. I told Him why I felt condemned; I asked for forgiveness where I did damaged and where I did not trust my husband. I invited Him in, into my DD-marriage. And when I did that a light came on, I could clearly hear these words in my head “How could I have given you my opinion about this if you never asked me? How could I have led your DD- marriage if you never prayed about this?” Suddenly there was peace in me, I could breath and just let go.
I need to trust God first that He knows best and then secondly I need to trust my husband that he will let God lead him in this, in everything. I need to trust my husband that he will develop this thing in his own time the way it is best for both of us, fulfilling both our needs, but still letting God be his advisor and NOT me. How he gains the information and when everything will fall into place is not up to me. I need to let go trusting that he knows what I need and if he doesn’t he will find out in his own way. Everything changed, I no longer wanted to test him by being disobedient or disrespectful to see if he knows what I need and to see if he takes this serious, I no longer feared that I will never get what I want from this. All I wanted to do is to show him how much I trust and appreciate him. All I had on my mind was God is part of this now and He will protect us from making the wrong choices and He will bless us where our intentions are unselfish and pure.
I am not rich, in fact we are living in a country with more problems then solutions. But I am rich in love, my husband loves me and the fact he is even considering all of this brings so much peace. I have two beautiful daughters that think I am the best thing in the world although I have let them down so many times in my impatience. We attend a lovely church that is more like a second family. Then there are my parents that are still alive, in love and together. I have wonderful friends whom I can trust and enjoy life together. I have blog-friends that encourage and support me a lot. Some of you do not even know that you are helping me. Those that communicate with me via e-mail you are so precious to me. I have got a job that is so rewarding because I get to show little children how much Jesus loves them in a country where there is so much sadness and discouragement. Yes, I am rich and blessed and I thank God for wanting to be part of every detail in my life, even when I struggle with my hair in the morning.
This reminds me of the quote I used right at the beginning of my blog:
“No indeed, my life is not what I would have planned for myself. It is infinitely better… For Jesus is in the details of my life. And while it might be my life, it is His story.”
It is only now that I really understand these words completely.
Do it any way…
People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centred. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
:) :) :)
*This morning when I woke up thinking about Father’s day and what I can do for this man I really, really without any doubt, truly love. He is the father of my children but also mine, mine forever to love. This piece came to my mind. It was found written on Mother Teresa’s wall in her home.
It made me think of my husband’s past and what kind of person he really is deep down.
So while I made his coffee this morning and put some shortbread cookies on a plate to serve him in bed, I started thinking of my own version of this piece that is related to my husband.
You’ve had some awful experiences as a child, but you found your happiness anyway.
People accused you of things you did not do, but you stayed true and confident anyway.
You had so many opportunities to make the wrong choices as attractive they may have seemed, but you chose the right ones anyway.
You did not have many opportunities for a bright future, still you decided to start humbly at the bottom and work hard anyway.
My family did not think you were good enough for me at some point, but you stayed with me anyway.
People judged you for being you, but you stayed yourself anyway.
People judged you for fighting for what you believed in, you fought anyway.
I broke your trust once before we got married; you forgave and trusted me anyway.
Sometimes I try to control you, but you lead me anyway.
Sometimes you do not understand why, but you spank me anyway ;)
You do not have all that you need to be the father that you desire to be, but every day you wake up and give your everything, you love anyway.
So today I want to say to you, no matter how far we are from where we want to be, I LOVE YOU ANYWAY!
Thank you. You are awesome in so many ways.
Give me an “H”
Give me an “O”
Give me an “H”
What do you say?
There was once a mayor of a city walking on a building cite. The mayor was there with his wife to show her the progress of the project. As they were walking the mayor’s wife stopped at a man who was one of the construction workers, She greeted him and had a brief conversation and then said goodbye, the mayor and his wife went on their way again. “Who was that?” The mayor asked his wife. “Oh, it was my boyfriend before I met you.” She answered. “Really? Well you can be glad you married me.” The mayor stated confidently. “I am glad, but why do you say that?” She asked. “Well, I am the mayor, he is just a construction worker” He answered her. After a few minutes she said to her husband “It is you my dear, that should be glad that I married you. Otherwise he would have been the mayor, if I married him” She said with a smile and kissed him on his cheek as she took his hand.
Two weekends ago I attended a Lady’s tea at a friend of mine’s church. The guest speaker was a lady whose passion is to encourage women to be wives that love their husband’s the right way and enjoy sex. So it was quite a funny message and we enjoyed it quite a bit. Most of the advice she gave was not new to me as a dd wife, honestly I think we are one ahead of everyone ;). But there was one thing she said I will never forget, She said that (she actually took out her pom-poms) we as wives should be our husbands cheerleaders. We are our husbands’ encouragement as leaders at home, as men of God, but also as someone who has a career.
We should be their encouragement, when they themselves want to give up or feel too tired to try again.
She said an affair never starts with sex that he does not get at home. It starts with someone else that seduces him with something he also needs and then that leads to a sexual affair. The other women always respects and admires him; men crave respect and sex, not just sex. Surely something to think about.
Do you go through times in your marriage where there are misunderstandings waiting around every corner? Then some of these misunderstandings trip you as you pass by which usually end up in a major, major fight. Not an argument, I am talking about a full on “all DD-values out the window” fight.
We had quite a few misunderstandings which led to 1 or 2 arguments and finally last week Thursday we had the mother of all “DD-values out the window” fights. All my submissiveness that I have been working on went out the door; I was beside myself with anger and disappointment and off course, over reacted. I had PMS, though it is not an excuse for the things I said and done. It was as if we were back in the days before we started DD. It was awful to say the least. It felt as if all our hard work came tumbling down. We both said and done hurtful things. Then to put the cherry on top I did something I have never done before, I went to sleep in our guestroom for the night and left him alone in our bed. I have never gone that route, not even before DD. I had a migraine and couldn’t sleep much and the next day was a dark and painful day.
This fight made me rethink this post since I wrote one with this title the week before this incident but never posted it. I decided to write a new one but with the same title, since I feel I now have better insight. I am going to be straight forward and it might change the tone of my blog a little. But I have to get rid of these honest thoughts somewhere.
I have thought a lot about how things could have worked out had we stay focused and handled things the DD-way. It made me realize more then ever how important it is to understand, really, really grasp and wrap your mind around the fact that a DD-marriage is NOT just a spanking every now and then. It is so much more then that. It is our foundation, the boundary we live by. It is the fence around our marriage, but also around our weaknesses. DD also has the function of a safety net for evenings like we had last Thursday. I have been thinking and over thinking and the bottom line is this, DD is what I need, we need.
It is feeling him close, his authority and strength when I am out of control. It is him pulling me close after a long day and whispering in my ear “snap out of this mood or your butt will be thoroughly warmed up before bedtime”. It is when he has the power to take control during an argument before things get out of hand. “Let it go now or I will help you to let go, we can talk about this later when we both have calmed down”. It is him keeping me accountable for things that are important to him and me. That is why I want rules. Rules act as the details of his desires, because if I can obey the rules I am pleasing him. I don’t want to swear, shout or over react. I want to be sweet and patient towards my children and husband regardless of what kind of day I had at school. I want him to help me to be the best mother, wife and teacher I can to be. I want to keep his rules because they make me feel that I am cared for. I hate being punished, my husband does not fool around when he punishes me, and it is very painful. Every time I get punished I think to myself “I must be crazy for wanting this”. But I absolutely love the outcome of it afterwards. He helps me reach my goals and helps me to please him. I don’t want him to let me get away with these things. “Did you just swear? Let’s take care of that quickly, come with me.” “I didn’t like the tone of your voice when you spoke to me at dinner, you will be spanked for that” I need him to surprise me with questions like “did you break any rules today or this week”. “ If you chat on your phone during family time again you will loose your phone for two days, no blogging, no internet and no chatting”. “If you do not drink your water like you should, you will not have another cup of coffee for a week”
But DD is also about him that will put his warm hands on my shoulders and feel how tense they are due to stress and then kissing me in my neck. Maybe he will pull my ponytail down and kiss me on my lips telling me that I am his and no one else’s. (Someone once said in her blog she wants him to take a kiss). Later he would then pull me over his knee for a stress relieve spanking. Sometimes it does not even have to be a spanking, I sometimes long to just feel his total control instructing me over his lap and maybe just let me lay there submissively while he massages my behind talking to me about what stresses me out or my problems or maybe he could just compliment me on my progress telling me why he is proud of me. Sometimes I would even just be sorted out if he instructs me in a position of his choice to just obey and do. “I want you to undress, bend over that chair and stay like that until I call you. While you are there, think about what made you so moody, emotional and stressed out” When he calls me I would like to sit on his lap and talk about what I thought about and we can think of solutions together. Then there are times that only a spanking will do “I see you have lost your focus, come it is time for a maintenance”. It will also give him the power to close the door behind us when it is possible stop me in my tracks and takes what he wants from me, not in an aggressive way but a firm but loving way.How will the HOH know when to do what, well he will have to get to know her one day at a time. He will also have to do his homework on a DD marriage. This will also mean that he stays in tune with her daily routine checking in every now and then via the cell phone or in the evenings before bedtime. He will have to be involved in her life and informed of her day. You see this is where I went wrong, I wanted to do his homework for him. It doesn’t work like that. This led me to stay focused on my needs as the wife instead of staying focused on his needs. He should stay focused on mine, it is not my job. I should respect and obey him whether he fulfills my needs or not.
Last night we made love for the first time since our fight. The reason is not because we stayed angry until now. I had my period, then he had the flu and then I got the flu. It was very intense because although we sorted everything out after the fight and we have forgiven each other, I don’t think that we have reached self-forgiveness yet. We both regret loosing our focus and giving into our anger. So while we were making love something happened to me it was overwhelming. I have experienced true submission in the form of passion. I truly felt what it is to give myself to him, to be his. I submitted to his needs and to his will. Normally I would sometimes catch myself thinking “I wish he would do this or that”. But last night nothing matter what I want, nothing was unacceptable I was open for anything he wanted to do to me. I started crying, a cleansing storm of tears. I cried because I hurt him, missed him, wanted and needed him for six days. I cried because of the inner struggle I saw in his eyes for the past six days and he did not want to talk about it. I cried because I suspect he does not feel worthy of my submission because of what happened last week and I cried because he does not understand how much I love him and desperately want this DD-marriage to work for us. He does not completely understand what I need and I don’t always know how to explain it. I cried away all my stress and fear and hurt. He did not ask me why I cried, maybe he felt it too. But it was a good experience for me. I just know now what submission really is about, dying to self and giving yourself up for the one you love, no matter what you will or will not get out of it.
DD is power yet intimacy, authority yet TLC, consequences yet forgiveness, firm yet gentle, controlled yet freedom, leadership yet friendship, consistency yet understanding, structured yet full of passion, rules yet fun. All this should be placed on a scale. If you can balance all these things I have mentioned above. But at the same time keep your heart pure and focused on Jesus, you will have the perfect DD marriage. We are not there yet at all. That I have realized last week. Well, at least, this is my idea of a DD-marriage.
I thought I would just give you a peak into my week from last Sunday up until today. The week before last Sunday, I broke a very important rule. It is not something that I do anymore ever since we started the “dd- thing”. But for some reason this day it just slipped my mind, I had done it without even realizing what I was doing. Nevertheless it is against the rules and the law. I text while I was driving, with my children in the car. My children wear school uniform to school, they are not in a private school, it is just something common here where we stay. Most schools require that the children wear a uniform. So I ordered a really expensive track suit for my daughter since our winter is on its way. So while I was on my way out of my parent’s driveway I got a message from the lady who makes it that I can come and pick it up. Now as I have mentioned before we stay quite far out of town. Once I am home I cannot quickly go back to the nearest shop if I forgot something. I need to plan ahead and finish everything before I go home. So I immediately thought about the next day and that I would need money to pay for it when I pick it up. Then I remembered I gave my bank card to my husband that morning, so without even thinking I took my phone and text him to withdraw money for me. It was late afternoon and I knew I had to ask him before he leaves the office since the ATM is right next to his office. But wait the worst part is still coming. While I was busy texting, I drove through a huge pothole and damaged my tyre. Oh yes, I think you all know what was waiting for me. I knew that I had no excuse and that it was dangerous and careless. I could have pulled over or even finished in my parent’s driveway before leaving.
So Thursday evening came and he came home in a good mood. We had a relaxed evening. While we were chatting on the couch I thought it was now or never and just spilled the beans while keeping my breath. His first words to me were “Why?” in disbelieve. Then he repeated it “so you were texting while driving?” His final words were something like this “well I will have to deal with that, can’t let that slip”. But Friday morning came and we have two little early bird girls that do not give us a lot of privacy. Friday night we had our date night, it was His turn and he took me to a concert of one of my favourite artist. We came home late and very tired. Saturday night he fell asleep in front of the television. Sunday night I was all ready to climb in bed when he woke after falling asleep again and said with a half-smile, “come let’s get this over with right now, it is a good start for the week”. Oh boy, it was severe and he used three implements (his hand, belt and a cane)! Ouch! He made his point! During my spanking he threw in some other concerns he has for me like my eating habit (I don’t eat enough according to him). I was reminded of my error at least until Wednesday, every time I sat down or even got goose bumps in the cold mornings we already experience.
Thursday night this week we had an argument, about what? I will tell you, although I am a bit scared to even type this. We argued about DD, yes we did, yip! The words that came out of his mouth were hurtful to say the least, but also necessary, I guess. It put everything good that I had experienced about dd to an instant halt and I could only think about the hurt I experienced. Every time when I thought about us, him or dd I had to swallow this deep heavy feeling that stretched from my throat through my heart down to my stomach. It was horrible; I did not know how God wanted me to handle this. I knew I had to start somewhere. Because I felt how I slowly was thinking myself into rebellion, anger and anything but submissiveness. I became bratty and sassy and had a “don’t care” attitude towards anything that involved him or the rules. I couldn’t sleep properly, eat or even think of sex. Knowing that I should be and stay submissive with or without a DD marriage. Since I am doing it for God and not for my husband or the benefits that DD provides. I decided to remove myself from anything I need, I feel, I want etc. I focused only on my role and what God wants me to learn from this. It was an internal war for three days, Friday until today. It was a battle in my mind and I am sure he could see something is up with me. The details of our argument are not important but the core of the problem he had with me was that I am trying to force the way I see DD down his throat, I want DD but I want to control it. Now I can honestly say this was not my intension at all, I do want him to take the lead and I do want him to do it because he believes in it as well. But he did not feel this was true and did not spare me what he thinks of me. The only reason why I can think it gave him this idea, is that sometimes I feel that he is not into it as I am, then I feel unsure and insecure because I don’t want him to do this just because I want it, but because he believes in it too. I want him to take the ball and run with it all the way. So maybe I reacted on these feelings when I became needy and sent the wrong message across. Luckily for me we had a nice rescue boat, which was our church’s conference this whole weekend every evening and it was a huge blessing. We had guest speakers from Texas and I started on Friday feeling anything between raw, angry, lonely and humbled all together until this morning where I gave over to God and just let Him heal me, help me to forgive my husband but I also let God help me to see the bigger picture. I have realized that as soon as you forgive whether you are right or wrong it is as if God helps you to understand the other person. But only after you forgive, it is as if forgiveness and hurt blocks your spiritual eyes from seeing what God’s wants to show you. So here tonight on Mothers day, there are peace between us. We had a nice afternoon and even had time to take a “nap” in private; at least this is what we told the children ;).
I understand why he feels the way he does, but also understand why I reacted the way I did. The whole problem is trust. I always had this thing in my head that because I suggested DD, he does not want it; he is just doing it for me. So I never trusted him enough to go ahead and figure this thing out for himself and then establish it. I have this fear in me that he will not be in this with me completely. I wish I can kneel in front of him tonight and look him in the eyes. I wish I can ask for his forgiveness for making him feel this way. For overwhelming him with my neediness. I wish I can ask him if we could start over. So that I can ask him for this again, but this time I leave him and trust him to take the control. This time I rest in in the trust that comes with being a submissive Godly wife. But at this point I think he wants to run from the topic, so I do not have the peace of mind to do it.
Will I get needy again? Definitely, I feel needy at least once a week. I need authority, his authority. But will God give me the strength to trust my husband, to let go and let God be. Well this will be my prayer whenever I feel frustrated or insecure again.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ and it is my desire to honor Him in everything I do. Secondly it is my desire to honor my husband as the head of our household and be the best mother to my to daughters I can be. This is my journey...