- I have learned that you cannot force your ideas on someone else especially when you are the wife and the other person your husband.
- I have learned that when I fail that does not define me it just means there are room for improvement.
- I have learned that when my husband voice his disapproval, disappointment or gives advise it does not mean he thinks less of me or that I am not good enough..
- I have learned true submission is just another form of practicing love, trust and Godly wisdom. It is far more then just a ttwd. It is a gift whether your needs are fulfilled or not. It is your service unto the Lord.
- I have learned that if I ask my husband his opinion about something I had to do, I accept his guidance with much more submission.
- I have learned that looking for fulfillment anywhere else then your own marriage is a big NO and dangerous.
- I have learned God wants us more then just to be submissive wives to His own heart, yes that is very important, but we are also mothers and women of God. He wants to spent time with us. He wants to strengthen us and give us joy over all, not just in our marriages.
- I have learned how easy it is to fall into the traps of the enemy that can be very destructive for our marriages.
- I have learned there is a big difference between lust and intimacy.
- I have learned how to keep my mouth shut when it is not the time for me to speak.
- I have learned to be comfortable with my body during sex and how to enjoy sex and holding nothing back.
- I have experience the joy of pleasing my husband.
- I have learned how to stand up for myself and that it is impossible to please everybody.
- I have learned how to enjoy my own marriage, how to be proud of our unique identity and to be at peace of who we are and what works for us.
- I have learned how to accept myself.
- I have learned how to enjoy everything about my husband even stuff that does not interest me. My acceptance of him and everything about him is part of me being submissive.
- And lastly (though I think I can come up with lots more) but not the least, I have learned that God loves me and accepts me for who I am. Regardless of what I have done or what I need.
Through the last two or three years I made the biggest mistakes but also had the most humbling experiences ever. I have learned so much about myself. Most lessons are Godly lessons but some were also practical. A lot of the wisdom I gained, because that is what happens when you learn from your mistakes, was during our discovery of DD/TTWD. Others were from God and then with some my husband was just wise enough to project his wisdom upon me.
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So lately I have been thinking about how to live my life normally without letting my mind get consumed by stuff. Especially by ttwd, because I don’t want it to be all our marriage is about. It should only be a helpful method that works for us. It should not be something that I am obsess about.
There must be a way to keep ttwd a healthy facet of your lives. Obsessing is not healthy. I have discovered that when I keep my nose more in my life and less on the net, that I can control the urge of obsessing. But it also occurred to me when I do not experience my husband’s dominance, control, or a spanking for that matter and when I do not have enough accountability of my errors for a while. I tend to start snooping around, reading stories or visit blogs that I know are not healthy for me. I do this to find some emotional release that I actually should get from my husband; the thing is it actually makes things worse for me. Because I find myself frustrated and I break even more rules by snooping around places on the net I know I shouldn’t. I know my husband does not deny me the attention I need on purpose, but it is just an observation I have made. I also realize that after a good spanking whether it is a stress relieve or punishment, I feel immediate relieve. Even if he just voice a warning or promise me a spanking later, I can feel all my frustration float away. It is one of those things I can not explain, it is just the way it is. I need his absolute dominance and authority over me when I am in trouble and I don’t want a choice. The stern look in his eyes and authority in his voice when I am being punished. But also the love and forgiveness in his eyes and his strong arms around me when it is all over. I need his control when I feel out of control and I need to be showered with his love afterwards when I am back in line and forgiven. I don’t know why but ever since I was very young 16/17 years old, this was what I craved from him. I can remember one day when we were riding on our motorbikes, I had a scooter and he had a motorbike. We were about 18-19years old (I was still a virgin, just want to say). We were just driving around for fun. I did not use my indicator as I should and also did not completely stop at the stop sign like I should have. At the next stop, he picked up the visor of his helmet and looked me straight in the eyes and said “go back and do it properly, right now”, I hesitated for a moment and then he said “you know what you did not do, go do it again, I am waiting here”. I remember while I was turning around, seeing his eyes watching me sternly, my stomach was pulling together towards my groin and I felt loved and safe. It was both a turn on and an emotional need met in an instant. It is just who I am. This thing we do it is what make us special, it is something I have that no one else have, that I know personally. I also need him to take this thing seriously and do it regularly, otherwise I am a mess. If he promised me a spanking and does not follow through I am even in a bigger mess and extremely needy and even full of aggression. I also need him to be interested in what I do, feel, think and even write when I do write. I have made a list of blogs that I stick to for my own safety and I am not allowed to read stories at all. This was my husband’s rule for me. I believe that some blogs that are about TTWD/DD are not spiritually safe and that we must listen to the Holy Spirit when we are lurking on them. We need to get realistic about the dangers of replacing God and his main purpose for us with ttwd. If we can keep this in focus and never stop and forget to pray about all our decisions that involved ttwd, I think we should be fine since we have the Holy Spirit. But it will always be a challenge for me, I think. Because I just am a better person, wife and mother if I feel my husband is in complete control and loves me enough to do what I need. I need his rules and I need to know that he will do whatever it takes to help me with those rules. I do not want to be without DD. Just the thought that my husband wants it too, makes me fall deeply in love, I will do anything for him, I want to please him and I feel energize free and happy. But between all this “I NEED, I NEED…” I will have to do everything I can to keep myself from falling into a pattern of focusing only on this. Only God must be an obsession. So like I mentioned before I read Song of Songs a while back and have been thinking about it a lot. Then this week on TV they had a few broadcasts of pastor Joseph Prince preaching about Song of Songs. Then it got a lot more interesting to me. When I was younger I thought it was a book for married couples. Then as I got older, I realized that there has to be more to this book. Then one day our pastor preached about how the man in this book represents Jesus and the woman the church who is waiting for Jesus to come. But now after pastor Prince’s sermon I just connected everything. This book is both about Jesus and the church as well as the marriage and love between a man and a woman. Because if you read the whole book you not only realize how deep two people can love each other but you also see how much God loves us. You ask me how do I know that this is a book for a couple as well. Because if you read Eph 5:25 “husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. Now the way Pastor Prince explained it is the Hebrew word for the women is Famin (something like that) and it means “to receive love” or “to be loved”. We as the church receive love form Christ and the wife receives love from her husband. It is all connected. So the love between a husband and wife is the same love that Jesus has for the church. He went further by explaining Song of Songs 4:1-4. The keywords in these 4 verses are as follow: Eyes: Reflection of your heart Hair: Maturity Teeth: How we spend time in Gods word Lips: red blood of Jesus and hope Temple: Thoughts Neck: Submitted and subdued Okay I know, you are saying HUH?!! Right now! But stay with me here. Eyes: For the Church God looks into our eyes and gives us the connection of love. Whenever you look into someone’s eyes there is a connection. In this case it is a connection of love; you can see someone’s love through their eyes. “Note that God looked at our eyes first, seeking a connection first. He did not look at our hands (deeds) and feet (walk), though they are important. God wanted a love relationship regardless of our past, deeds or walk in life.” Joseph Prince For a couple True love and connection you will find in the eyes of your husband or wife. Men who objectify you will look anywhere else but your eyes. Then we have the example of Christ that we should seek that connection and love with each other regardless of our deeds and walk in life. Hair For the church In the time that Song of Songs was written when you had a flock of goats you were rich, also when the goats came walking down the mountain together it looked like long hair. So this is how Christ sees us through his eyes of love and because of our salvation. He sees what we can be and not what we are at the moment. Long hair speaks of maturity; God sees His bride as spiritually mature and treats us like that. Even in reality we are not mature yet. For a couple Well Jesus is the example; treat each other as if you believe the best of each other. “You know what honey I know you are struggling with this thing, but I believe you will make a mature decision in the end that will benefit us all. I trust you”. An answer like that will give the other person much more love, hope and encouragement. He also said we should remember this as parents, how we warn our children can win them or make them rebellious. Teeth For the church Teeth are for chewing, how do chew in the spirit? It can only mean God’s word. Meditating on God’s word will make us wiser, strong in faith and skillful planners. Well this is how God sees us, as people who hang on every word He says. And he loves it. For a couple Well when you are in love it is easy to hang on every word he says (your man). But as life gets ordinary we stop listening stop taking in what our husbands or wives are saying. So I believe this is just a reminder to stay interested, respectful and in love with each other. Lips For the church Lips are for speaking (well, mostly for speaking ;) ) and God sees his bride as someone that speaks of hope. What hope, well this is where the red comes in, red like the blood of Jesus who gave us hope through His death. For a couple Love between a man and a woman always hopes for good things for each other and then we speak of that hope. We should just keep speaking that way through our marriage. Temple (head) (some translations say cheeks) For the church God knows our thoughts he is interested in our thoughts and he sees our good thoughts. The verse says the temples remind the man of pomegranate, which is a fruit of blessing. So God sees us with thoughts of blessing, creativity and life giving thoughts. And again the fruit inside is read, Jesus washes our thoughts clean with His blood. For a couple We must be interested in each others thoughts. And see the positive side in each others motives. Neck For the church Somewhere in the Bible it talks about being stiffed-neck, which means rebellious. Well God sees us as being the opposite of that, He sees us as submissive, subdued and obedient. For the couple Oh yeah, you know where I am going with this! “Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as a service to the lord”. But husbands also recognize the obedience in your wife and don’t take it for granted, it is her service to the Lord, love and respect her for that. Interesting point he made: “Women were made to be deeply loved (revering to the Hebrew word I mentioned earlier) and not to rule over men. Both husband and wife has equal positions in Christ, but different functions.” He also said “husbands should make love with their words not only their bodies” J The bottom line of all this is…
You say, yes but I am not all these good things God sees in me. But you see because of the love connection in the beginning (the eyes) and your love for God and His positive words towards you, will gradually transform you into how He already sees you. If we really believe that He loves us deeply we will live up to His expectations eventually. Now that is something to think about. I pray that God will give us the grace and wisdom to treat each other like this in our marriages and our children. I actually had something more spiritual prepared to post for this weekend, but I will save it for my next post I just want to get your opinions on this.
The past week was quite a rough and challenging week for me as a teacher and mother, but also for my marriage. There was just issue upon issue. But the worse was Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday I came home late because of my daughters’ activities, so then I always plan something for dinner that does not take too much time to prepare. I need the extra time to help my daughter with homework. Because we couldn’t do it earlier in the day. In this case it was crustless quiche with salad for dinner. I get my eggs from a farmer that stays close to the road on the away home. But when I got there his workers did not get the message to keep my eggs for me and sold it. So now I had to prepare something that will take more of my time. We have a rule in the house that everything must be finished at 19:00 in the evening. This means that by this time the children were bathed, lunch boxes packed, house is tidied up and curtains are closed so that when we stand up from the dinner table it will be 19:00. Then I only have the dishes to wash and we can relax and spent time together before the girls’ bedtime. So now already I am worried because time is of the essence! When I stopped at our front gate I looked for my house keys but it was nowhere, not in my handbag or in the car. My husband always put them in the car for me or gives it to me in my hand after he opens the gate in the morning. So now I have to make a plan to get in the house. 15 minutes later, with my youngest’s cooperation and a small window we got the keys that was lying on my dressing table. I suspect it was me who left it there because I ran back to put some lip gloss on in the morning. While I was in the backyard helping my daughter through the window I saw that our dogs ripped our garbage bags apart. Might I just add that we have a huge yard. And we had a windy day. I saw it and intended to do something about it as soon as I got in the house. After I have gotten the car in the garage, unloaded the car and realized that my husband and I never took my daughter’s school bag from his car after he picked her up from school. This meant she would not have been able to do her homework until 18:15. By this time I had forgotten about the garbage problem and just focused on getting everything done so that we only have her homework to finish when he got home. The food, which took longer than it would have been if I had eggs. I bathed the children, made the lunch boxes and in between I cleaned the car’s carpet yet again after the milk incident. This was my husband’s orders to me in the morning because the car had a bad smell. When he arrived everything was almost done, I think I did well and he also thought so, even though we did not finish at 19:00 on the dot. He helped our daughter with her homework and I finished the dishes. That was Wednesday. Thursday morning I woke up on time, 05:00, read Bible and then had a pretty good prayer session with God. Just before I had to leave for work, as I was loading the car I smelled petrol, a very strong smell of petrol. I told my husband and we both looked under the car just to find petrol dripping from my car. Off coarse my husband decided it is not safe and that we all will have to go in to town with one car, this will make me late for work. As my husband went through the house, checking if all the lights are off he saw the garbage lying all over the yard through the bedroom window. He mentioned it and I said I saw it yesterday and that it was the dogs. “And you did not do something about it?” He asked and I said I wanted to but there was no time. “Well I think you had time, it would have only taken 5min to pick it up”. Then I said that I disagree and then he said “you had time”. I tried to explain myself but he wouldn’t listen and by the second time I tried he said I was disrespectful and “back chatting” in front the children. I felt if he listened to me, gave me a chance to explain and then still felt I was wrong it would have been okay, at least I had time to explain. And if after I had a chance to explain still would have comments about it, it would only then qualify as “back chatting”. But until this moment he still does not agree with me :( How do you feel about it? I feel I still need a chance to explain even if he disagrees. He said that I could have tried to explain in private later that evening. I don’t know sometimes submitting is really a tricky thing! For me the most difficult part of submitting is to keep quiet when I really want to be heard. Please be honest in your comments, maybe I need to hear it from someone else. P.S It may sound as if we are a disorganized family, but I can assure you I am married to Mr Planner, control freak and perfectionist. It was just as if some things really interfered with our usual routine this week. Maybe we are being attacked spiritually. Friday evening was our date night for the month. We try to do it once a month, but this last two months it was just not possible. We take turns to organize the date nights, this month it was my turn and we do it according to themes. This time I chose the theme “get to know each other”. At first it was kind of hard to think of something creative to do. We know each other from the age of sixteen, so my first thought was what more is there to get to know? But then I decided to give it a try. I made a pretty box filled with questions. I bought a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine; I made his favourite hotdogs (which is the way I make it ;). For once in my life I decided not to “plan” too much because then I always end up disappointed and frustrated! So I had all I wanted to do worked out but not in any particular order. I decided to go with the flow of the evening. While I was preparing the food he busied himself with some work in his garage. Then he came in and started watching television in the lounge. I actually wanted to prepare for our evening in there with candles and music so that we can eat there. But since I promised myself to go with the flow I served his food to him and endured the television program about cars he enjoys watching so much. Then I ran him a warm bath with my de-stress bath oil, just to get him out of the lounge. Then while I was busy lighting the candles, making a pillow and blanket bed on the floor, I decided to give him a massage before we started our “question game”. You see, my husband grew up in a house with alcoholism, fighting and he also was abused by his mother. There were not any occasions where he as a child or teenager had special moments with his parents where he could let out any emotion or maybe just chat. Although his parents got saved later in his life and became wonderful people, the emotional scars still do have an impact on his personality. He gets nervous when he has to get emotional. I have only seen him cry twice in his life once when his best friend died in a car accident and two years ago when his father died of lung cancer. Talking is a big deal for him. But the last two years after his father’s death he started opening up like never before. So I decided on the massage to relax him before he has to get into deep discussions with me. After the massage, we went to the lounge and we drank wine and ate a chocolate after each question. It was a wonderful evening, one of those that I should write about in my journal! It was special, relaxed and intimate. He answered every question and was comfortable all the time. I felt blessed.
Here are the questions in the box: (If it has a * then we had to guess the answer for each other before the correct answer was given) *What is your favourite colour? Mine: Turquoise. But neither of us could decide what was his. Lol! *What is your favourite movie? Mine: The vow, Robin Hood (with Russell Crow) to name just two, I have many. His: Taken, Brave heart, Gladiator and Fast and the furious. (There are cars in it, of course!) *What is your favourite food? Mine: Schnitzel with baked veggies and Pizza. His macaroni and cheese, my hotdogs with my special sauce and steak. Tell me a secret. Well obviously I can’t share that with you. ;) What irritates you the most of me? We couldn’t think of something. What parts of my body do you like the most? I: his whole body eyes and mouth. (He laughed at me and said you must choose one part, I couldn’t) He: my butt (I wonder why ;) and my eyes. What do you like the most about my personality? Me: his loyalty, integrity and helpful heart. He: the fact that I have the possibility to love anybody and see the good in everything. (Aaaahh, so sweet!) What do you like the most about our eldest daughter? Me: her creativeness and free spirit. He: the way she listens with her eyes. What do you like the most about our youngest daughter? Me: the way she shows love and affection. He: The way she tells you a story while she smiles, she has a mischievous smile. What do you think and feel about our DD-marriage? Me: well I had a mouth full to say. He had only one word. Satisfied. (lol) If you can give only one prayer before you die for the three of us, what would you pray? Me: I would pray for Godly wisdom and protection. He: For provision in all things emotional, physical and spiritual and for our safety. If you could change one thing about me what would it be? Me: give him more patience with himself. He: He would give me more self-confidence. What is your favourite memory of our younger years together? Me: The walks we took to the park with the dogs, we day dreamed about our future. He: when we lie together on my bed and listen to music just the two of us. It was a real good night in all ways ;) I think I finally have reached yet another milestone in my life where I learned how to let things flow, accommodating both of us even on a date night that I planned. I have learned to let God into our date nights to do His thing, nothing was forced or uncomfortable. I have also learned today after church, the sermon was about true leaders. I have learned that we have led each other through the years. I led him in my gentle way of submitting to him, respecting him the way he is and he led me to a place where I have found myself as a women, unique and accepting myself . He led me to learn how to stand up for myself, that I am not a doormat to be abused by others. He gives me strength and will power. We both are leaders playing out our different roles. Back to school, back to reality…
Today was the first day of school after a two week Easter holiday. I just came home and routine and planning are back to normal. I will to juggle everything including house chores again. Homework, chess practice, netball practice, art school and Kindermusik. And my own school work as well. I can feel and see that we are in the early stages of Autumn. The air is dry and cool in the morning. At 04:45 when I had to wake up this morning it was still very dark, I am not looking forward to the winter. I am a summer person. But I am pleased to say that today was a surprisingly blessed day. When I read Bible this morning I tried Joyce’s advise and announced “this is the day the Lord has made and something good is going to happen today.” Usually after a holiday the children are quite disruptive and all the class rules are forgotten. So that is what I expected today. BUT my 34 Grade 2 children, with 7/8 different cultures and home languages whom I teach in English, was exceptionally well behaved and peaceful!!! WOW! Thank you God! I even had peace inside me this morning while driving to school. I was greeted with hugs and love letters, so sweet! I think I have a case of Laryngitis so my voice is weak and on its way out. I also have a sore throat and I am coughing! I was healthy through the whole holiday now I am sick when school starts. I asked my class this morning they must help me because my voice is very soft and I cannot shout or to talk loud enough. They were so good, thank you Grade 2 R, you are a great class! Yesterday after church we went for coffee at very good friends of ours. It was their youngest son’s second birthday. We had lots of fun and ended up staying for a Sunday lunch. After we ate the women and I went to make coffee. While we were standing in the kitchen she started talking about their marriage. “Things aren’t going so well”. She said and dropped the bomb on me, in such a way that I did not know what to say. I silently prayed that God must put the right words in my mouth. But her heart is as hard as stone. I don’t know why. The problems they have are just normal speed bumps every marriage goes through every now then. He does not give attention, he works too much etc. But she acts like her husband has done something awful. “why must the wives always take the first step towards a better marriage?” She asked me. She said she is cold towards him and he must get her heart soft if he really wants her. He is a financial advisor so he is on meetings with clients in the evenings until late most of the time. But this she new when they got married. If he does not see clients there will be no money. He does not get a fixed salary. The whole afternoon yesterday I could see something is up in the way she talked to him, she challenged him in front of us in a very disrespectful manner a few times or she would answer him sarcastically. I was shocked, because I have not seen her like that before. She also decided that she will get a babysitter every Thursday so she can go and drink cocktails with her friends who are not married!!! Don’t get me wrong I also go out for cocktails with my friends there is nothing wrong with that. But it happens once or twice a term, not every week. I did not know how to handle her outburst; usually I can help someone with advice and prayer. But this time I was blank! For Everything I said she had a negative answer back. She did not even want me to pray for her, it is as if she blames God and her husband!! And she is a Christian who sings in the worship team in her church!! I was really shocked. He is a good and gentle husband and he never said anything back when she behaved like that yesterday, He just stayed calm and answered her. So now I don’t know what to think. It bothered me the whole day today. I know we do not see him when they are on their own, but it is sad that two people who were such a good team just want to give up. But I must not judge. I just wish I could have been of more help to her. I wish I had the words that would soften her heart. But she said to me she does not care and if he does not care it is fine with her. I will continue to pray for them. I cannot change them, but God can!! What I do know is, TTWD/DD was the answer for us. But hey, that’s just us! ;) No this has nothing to do with games in the bedroom at all ;)!!!
But this is a matter that I am really struggling with as a mother. I am a passionate teacher and mother. I am passionate about giving children opportunities to improve themselves physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and academically. I love to do workshops on any kind of topic that will improve children. After I got my teaching degree in 2005, I did a course in baby massaging and extra exercises for stimulation of all areas in the brain as well as the baby’s muscles. After that I got my license as a Kindermusik educator (a stimulation program for children by using all aspects of music). I also did a course in children’s ministry at our church. So I am quite passionate about children, as you can see. I love teaching and I am quite good at what I do, well most of the time. Why am I giving you my whole pedigree, not to be a “show off” but because for some reason I have a difficulty to play with my own children. You know, just for fun. (and as I was typing this my daughter came and ask me if I will come and play doll with them, what a coincidence!!!!) I can do anything else, play ball, cuddle, tickle, jump trampoline, build puzzles, read stories etc. But when it comes to imaginative play I get so uncomfortable. It takes everything inside of me to do that. Why is that? It is like I instantly change into a person that is uncomfortable in her own skin. I did not have a problem with imaginative play when I was a child. My parents never played with me when I was a child, so maybe that’s why. But clearly this is a need in children because my girls ask me all the time. Sometimes I give them excuses other times I force myself and then I really do not know how to act. I feel guilty; it feels as if my children are being deprived of something. My one friend can do it so naturally, she sits with them and become a child again. I admire her and feel encourage to try again. But as soon as I get a chance I am back at square one again. Maybe it is just my personality. I was the only daughter between two brothers. I played boy stuff with my brothers and girl stuff alone. I was mostly on my own as a child and today I also enjoy my own company, I need a lot of space and me-time. Most of my friends hate it to be alone, I appreciate it. So maybe this is why I am uncomfortable with playing with them. But I still wish I can make my girls happy making good memories. Accept that you are accepted and love that you are loved!!!!!!
Just the way you are. Hello by Matthew West Hello, my name is regret I’m pretty sure we have met Every single day of your life I’m the whisper inside that wont let you forget Hello, my name is defeat I know you recognize me Just when you think you can win I’ll drag you right back down again Until you’ve lost all believe Oh, these are the voices, these are the lies And I have believed them for the very last time. Hello, my name is child of the one true king, I have been saved, I have been changed, I have been set free Amazing grace, is the song I sing Hello, my name is child of the one true king. I am no longer defined by all the wreckage behind The one who makes all things new has proven it’s true Just take a look at my life What love the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called His children Hello, my name is child of the one true king, I have been saved, I have been changed, I have been set free Amazing grace, is the song I sing Hello, my name is child of the one true king. I had a precious moment this morning with God outside under a tree. We stay on a small farm. It was a cloudy morning with a chilly wind outside. I was sitting admiring the view and the calm, peaceful atmosphere that the soft wind brought together with the silence. The sun could only squeeze a few rays through the clouds and the soft gospel music coming out of my earphones was just the cherry on top. I felt God’s comfort and love for the first time in a very long time. Not that He stopped loving me for a while. I just didn’t give Him the time to give it to me. I was to busy trying to figure everything out for myself. Going over and over questions in my head. Focusing only on the mountains in front of me, when actually I am serving a God that can move mountains. And if He doesn’t want to move the mountain He will climb it with us, also sending people on our way that will give us hope, encouragement and strength. I was really sad and lonely this morning and I experienced God’s love and comfort in a very powerful way. I even started shaking, tears running down my face. I just felt God telling me that I need to let Him love me and need to believe that He accepts me just the way I am. I am me for a reason, I need things that fit me and my life and He loves me anyway. He wants me, He doesn’t care that I have inner struggles and questions, He takes me like I am, whether I am right or wrong, with my issues and needs and fears etc. It dawned on me there, those words coming out of nowhere (God), “accept that you are accepted, love that you are loved. The way you are.” Only after we can do that can God come and change where change is needed and also help us to make peace where He already has peace about us. I felt that I must silence any voices that are not from God in Jesus name and then just trust Him. Trust Him to love me enough to not give up on me and also use the right people in my life to sow the right spiritual seeds in my life. It was really special and to think He feels like that about all of us. He is just AWESOME!!! Although I am still not at the top of the mountain, I am also not climbing it alone. So many of us are at the same place and God’s Holy spirit are with each and every one of us. I wont give up When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky Or a beautiful sunrise There’s so much they hold And just like them old stars See that you’ve come so far To be right where you are How old is your soul I won’t give up on us Even if the skies get rough I’m giving you all my love I’m still looking up And when you’re needing Your space To do some navigating I’ll be here patiently waiting To see what you find Cause even the stars They burn Some even fall to the earth We’ve got a lot to learn God knows we’re worth it I don’t wanna be someone Who walks away so easily I’m here to stay And make difference That I can make Our differences they do a lot To teach us how to use the Tools and gifts we got Yeah, we got a lot at stake And in the end You’re still my friend At least we did intend For us to work We didn’t break We didn’t burn We had to learn how to bend Without the world caving in I had to learn What I’ve got And what I’m not And who I am NO I WON’T GIVE UP ON US!! Jason Mraz-song This is one of my favorite songs, although my husband does not visit my blog in my heart this is for him. He knows I love him, no matter what. Okay confession time, Not that my forgiveness will come from my readers, I just need to get all of these stuff of my chest. So there you have it I read the “forbidden book” ALL THREE of them! But I do not confess because I feel that it was this terrible thing I did, I am confessing because people assume “real Christians” do not read books like that. What I do want to say though, is the story is not really what I thought it would be. It took me long to start reading the book because I thought it was a book full of perverted sex and people having multiple sexual relationships at once. Although there is a lot of sex in the story, I was quite surprised to find that it is actually a very good love story of a modern day Solomon, (well an unsaved one). Christian Grey is a very rich, in control person with lots of power and also lots of knowledge about women’s sexual needs. So I enjoyed the story quite a bit. Everything a girl a wants. But it is just a story, a fantasy that can become, if you are not careful a big problem for yourself if you do not see it for what it really is, a story that came out of another women’s thoughts and fantasies. Then you could find yourself comparing your poor husband to this man that does not even exist. For me personally the book helped me to appreciate my husband once more, because in my case my husband is not very far from this very control freak man in the book, well minus all the money off coarse and the playroom. It also encouraged me to pay attention to and enjoy the little things in my relationship with my husband, how he smells, certain parts of his body like his mouth etc. Stuff that you stopped doing because married life can get so ordinary and predictable. You forgot what turned you on, his eyes, his arms or whatever it was. Stuff that you enjoyed looking at. So I found my husband again, he changed his cologne this month which enhanced my experience with the smelling part. So I also got myself new body lotion with a different smell as well as new perfume, I make sure that I smell nice every night when I climb in bed. I wear nightwear that he likes. I do small things that I have stopped doing for a while. I have got my all my senses in tune again, not just my mind and my motherly side any more. I also laid a big monster in my mind to rest, the spanking monster, that is. Because I have decided to stop looking for answers everywhere and just except whom I am and live my life the best way I can. Looking for approval on things on the net is the biggest mistake we can make; our approval and peace must come from God and His word. And if you are at peace with who you are, still keeping God first in everything you do then you can trust Him to guide you and convict you about the stuff in your life. People interpret God and His word differently so I have found that it can get quite confusing. So believe it or not my experience of the book was actually good. If it was right or wrong of me to read it, well that is debatable, because I am a Christian, period. But like I said I can definitely see why the book can be very dangerous for some. But I took the time to read Songs of Solomon the other day and it occurred to me that love did not change at all through the ages, 50 shades is just another love story about two people that had to go through storms and trials to meet each other in the middle changing for the better to accommodate each other. Having said all this, the book is definitely NOT for single people or teens!! The movie? Well I don’t have peace with that. I always have that voice in my head that says real people with souls, with purpose in Gods kingdom, whom Jesus also died for, with wives and husbands had to act in the movie and that is just too visual for me. It feels as if I am encouraging them to get naked with someone they are not supposed to. I am curious though, that I have to admit, well I will just have to ask God to help me to put Him first and not fall in to temptation, again ;) The next confession I want to make is that I wrote yesterday’s post with quite a lot of anger but I had a moment of anger towards people judging others and I took it out on my poor blog. But I still mean every word I said. In the beginning of my blog I said that this blog will not be mainly about my “DD” marriage because I was still confused about a lot of things and do not want to give detailed discussions of my spanking sessions with my husband since I feel that this can be erotic to some and destroy the picture of their own marriages. What happens and how it happens can be a turn on for some and then they start to compare, which is dangerous. Ask me I have been down that road multiple times this past two years. You read what this women’s husband does and how his handling a situation and then you start wishing yours will also do it that way, we seem to forget that we are unique and should appreciate that. What I want for my blog is to be a voice for someone that feels like I do, that can encourage me as well. My husband and I had a discussion last night it did not quite go like I hoped it would but never the less it shed some light for me. I do not have the kind of husband that does scheduled maintenance or punishments, he is in the moment. He does it when he feels he should, he does not really discuss it with me; He is also not the kind that would say “okay give me the links I will check it out”. He does it his way or not at all. Which was very hard for me sometimes because when I introduced this idea to him I was actually caught reading stories and he wanted me to tell him what I am busy with? He has a big problem with pornography and erotic stuff, it is very important to him to stay away from dangers of lust. (Hmmmm and then I go and read 50 shades; I would not go into detail about he feels about that and what happened). Any way, so he got suspicious and this is how he found out. He listened to me and what it is all about, he read two stories and one post on a DD blog and that was it. Never talked about it again and went on with his life occasionally spanking me when he felt I needed it. He never reads my blog and comment for that matter. This is all stuff that I wish I got from him, but I have realized there are so many, many things he does for me. There are many good things that we share together. We should not always focus on what we do not have. So last night I tried to explain to him that I need more time to talk to him about stuff on my mind, I need to off load my emotions even if they are irrational or only temporally. I just need a friend with a gentle approach listening to me. His love language is touch and mine is words of appreciation so I need his words of assurance. So he got quite defensive at some point and we nearly had a big fight, but in the end I got my say and he got his. I just need him to show some interest in my thoughts some times. It is one of my biggest desires. But this does not mean I can build my life around all of these desires I have. I cannot focus on them all the time; there are so many things to be thankful for. He loves me, really loves me, he works fulltime and runs a part time business, he helps my family and his, he would do anything for our daughters, he works hard at our home every weekend, he is a very good handyman, every night he prays with me and our daughters, he brings me a cup of coffee in bath every night, he has a very attractive body to me, which he gets from working out every day. So how in the world can I complain, I need to be thankful and trust God to change him in the areas where I need him to change. But also change me where I need to change. P.S
Like I have said before English is not my first language. So am pleased to inform you that having this blog, reading and spending time on other blogs really improved my English, which is really good since I teach in English as well. |
AuthorI am a follower of Jesus Christ and it is my desire to honor Him in everything I do. Secondly it is my desire to honor my husband as the head of our household and be the best mother to my to daughters I can be. This is my journey... Archives
November 2015
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