So there you have it I read the “forbidden book” ALL THREE of them! But I do not confess because I feel that it was this terrible thing I did, I am confessing because people assume “real Christians” do not read books like that. What I do want to say though, is the story is not really what I thought it would be. It took me long to start reading the book because I thought it was a book full of perverted sex and people having multiple sexual relationships at once. Although there is a lot of sex in the story, I was quite surprised to find that it is actually a very good love story of a modern day Solomon, (well an unsaved one). Christian Grey is a very rich, in control person with lots of power and also lots of knowledge about women’s sexual needs. So I enjoyed the story quite a bit. Everything a girl a wants. But it is just a story, a fantasy that can become, if you are not careful a big problem for yourself if you do not see it for what it really is, a story that came out of another women’s thoughts and fantasies. Then you could find yourself comparing your poor husband to this man that does not even exist. For me personally the book helped me to appreciate my husband once more, because in my case my husband is not very far from this very control freak man in the book, well minus all the money off coarse and the playroom. It also encouraged me to pay attention to and enjoy the little things in my relationship with my husband, how he smells, certain parts of his body like his mouth etc. Stuff that you stopped doing because married life can get so ordinary and predictable. You forgot what turned you on, his eyes, his arms or whatever it was. Stuff that you enjoyed looking at. So I found my husband again, he changed his cologne this month which enhanced my experience with the smelling part. So I also got myself new body lotion with a different smell as well as new perfume, I make sure that I smell nice every night when I climb in bed. I wear nightwear that he likes. I do small things that I have stopped doing for a while. I have got my all my senses in tune again, not just my mind and my motherly side any more. I also laid a big monster in my mind to rest, the spanking monster, that is. Because I have decided to stop looking for answers everywhere and just except whom I am and live my life the best way I can. Looking for approval on things on the net is the biggest mistake we can make; our approval and peace must come from God and His word. And if you are at peace with who you are, still keeping God first in everything you do then you can trust Him to guide you and convict you about the stuff in your life. People interpret God and His word differently so I have found that it can get quite confusing. So believe it or not my experience of the book was actually good. If it was right or wrong of me to read it, well that is debatable, because I am a Christian, period. But like I said I can definitely see why the book can be very dangerous for some. But I took the time to read Songs of Solomon the other day and it occurred to me that love did not change at all through the ages, 50 shades is just another love story about two people that had to go through storms and trials to meet each other in the middle changing for the better to accommodate each other.
The next confession I want to make is that I wrote yesterday’s post with quite a lot of anger but I had a moment of anger towards people judging others and I took it out on my poor blog. But I still mean every word I said. In the beginning of my blog I said that this blog will not be mainly about my “DD” marriage because I was still confused about a lot of things and do not want to give detailed discussions of my spanking sessions with my husband since I feel that this can be erotic to some and destroy the picture of their own marriages. What happens and how it happens can be a turn on for some and then they start to compare, which is dangerous. Ask me I have been down that road multiple times this past two years. You read what this women’s husband does and how his handling a situation and then you start wishing yours will also do it that way, we seem to forget that we are unique and should appreciate that. What I want for my blog is to be a voice for someone that feels like I do, that can encourage me as well.
My husband and I had a discussion last night it did not quite go like I hoped it would but never the less it shed some light for me. I do not have the kind of husband that does scheduled maintenance or punishments, he is in the moment. He does it when he feels he should, he does not really discuss it with me; He is also not the kind that would say “okay give me the links I will check it out”. He does it his way or not at all. Which was very hard for me sometimes because when I introduced this idea to him I was actually caught reading stories and he wanted me to tell him what I am busy with? He has a big problem with pornography and erotic stuff, it is very important to him to stay away from dangers of lust. (Hmmmm and then I go and read 50 shades; I would not go into detail about he feels about that and what happened). Any way, so he got suspicious and this is how he found out. He listened to me and what it is all about, he read two stories and one post on a DD blog and that was it. Never talked about it again and went on with his life occasionally spanking me when he felt I needed it. He never reads my blog and comment for that matter. This is all stuff that I wish I got from him, but I have realized there are so many, many things he does for me. There are many good things that we share together. We should not always focus on what we do not have.
So last night I tried to explain to him that I need more time to talk to him about stuff on my mind, I need to off load my emotions even if they are irrational or only temporally. I just need a friend with a gentle approach listening to me. His love language is touch and mine is words of appreciation so I need his words of assurance. So he got quite defensive at some point and we nearly had a big fight, but in the end I got my say and he got his. I just need him to show some interest in my thoughts some times. It is one of my biggest desires. But this does not mean I can build my life around all of these desires I have. I cannot focus on them all the time; there are so many things to be thankful for. He loves me, really loves me, he works fulltime and runs a part time business, he helps my family and his, he would do anything for our daughters, he works hard at our home every weekend, he is a very good handyman, every night he prays with me and our daughters, he brings me a cup of coffee in bath every night, he has a very attractive body to me, which he gets from working out every day. So how in the world can I complain, I need to be thankful and trust God to change him in the areas where I need him to change. But also change me where I need to change.
Like I have said before English is not my first language. So am pleased to inform you that having this blog, reading and spending time on other blogs really improved my English, which is really good since I teach in English as well.