Do you go through times in your marriage where there are misunderstandings waiting around every corner? Then some of these misunderstandings trip you as you pass by which usually end up in a major, major fight. Not an argument, I am talking about a full on “all DD-values out the window” fight.
We had quite a few misunderstandings which led to 1 or 2 arguments and finally last week Thursday we had the mother of all “DD-values out the window” fights. All my submissiveness that I have been working on went out the door; I was beside myself with anger and disappointment and off course, over reacted. I had PMS, though it is not an excuse for the things I said and done. It was as if we were back in the days before we started DD. It was awful to say the least. It felt as if all our hard work came tumbling down. We both said and done hurtful things. Then to put the cherry on top I did something I have never done before, I went to sleep in our guestroom for the night and left him alone in our bed. I have never gone that route, not even before DD. I had a migraine and couldn’t sleep much and the next day was a dark and painful day.
This fight made me rethink this post since I wrote one with this title the week before this incident but never posted it. I decided to write a new one but with the same title, since I feel I now have better insight. I am going to be straight forward and it might change the tone of my blog a little. But I have to get rid of these honest thoughts somewhere.
I have thought a lot about how things could have worked out had we stay focused and handled things the DD-way. It made me realize more then ever how important it is to understand, really, really grasp and wrap your mind around the fact that a DD-marriage is NOT just a spanking every now and then. It is so much more then that. It is our foundation, the boundary we live by. It is the fence around our marriage, but also around our weaknesses. DD also has the function of a safety net for evenings like we had last Thursday. I have been thinking and over thinking and the bottom line is this, DD is what I need, we need.
It is feeling him close, his authority and strength when I am out of control. It is him pulling me close after a long day and whispering in my ear “snap out of this mood or your butt will be thoroughly warmed up before bedtime”. It is when he has the power to take control during an argument before things get out of hand. “Let it go now or I will help you to let go, we can talk about this later when we both have calmed down”. It is him keeping me accountable for things that are important to him and me. That is why I want rules. Rules act as the details of his desires, because if I can obey the rules I am pleasing him. I don’t want to swear, shout or over react. I want to be sweet and patient towards my children and husband regardless of what kind of day I had at school. I want him to help me to be the best mother, wife and teacher I can to be. I want to keep his rules because they make me feel that I am cared for. I hate being punished, my husband does not fool around when he punishes me, and it is very painful. Every time I get punished I think to myself “I must be crazy for wanting this”. But I absolutely love the outcome of it afterwards. He helps me reach my goals and helps me to please him. I don’t want him to let me get away with these things. “Did you just swear? Let’s take care of that quickly, come with me.” “I didn’t like the tone of your voice when you spoke to me at dinner, you will be spanked for that” I need him to surprise me with questions like “did you break any rules today or this week”. “ If you chat on your phone during family time again you will loose your phone for two days, no blogging, no internet and no chatting”. “If you do not drink your water like you should, you will not have another cup of coffee for a week”
But DD is also about him that will put his warm hands on my shoulders and feel how tense they are due to stress and then kissing me in my neck. Maybe he will pull my ponytail down and kiss me on my lips telling me that I am his and no one else’s. (Someone once said in her blog she wants him to take a kiss). Later he would then pull me over his knee for a stress relieve spanking. Sometimes it does not even have to be a spanking, I sometimes long to just feel his total control instructing me over his lap and maybe just let me lay there submissively while he massages my behind talking to me about what stresses me out or my problems or maybe he could just compliment me on my progress telling me why he is proud of me. Sometimes I would even just be sorted out if he instructs me in a position of his choice to just obey and do. “I want you to undress, bend over that chair and stay like that until I call you. While you are there, think about what made you so moody, emotional and stressed out” When he calls me I would like to sit on his lap and talk about what I thought about and we can think of solutions together. Then there are times that only a spanking will do “I see you have lost your focus, come it is time for a maintenance”. It will also give him the power to close the door behind us when it is possible stop me in my tracks and takes what he wants from me, not in an aggressive way but a firm but loving way.How will the HOH know when to do what, well he will have to get to know her one day at a time. He will also have to do his homework on a DD marriage. This will also mean that he stays in tune with her daily routine checking in every now and then via the cell phone or in the evenings before bedtime. He will have to be involved in her life and informed of her day. You see this is where I went wrong, I wanted to do his homework for him. It doesn’t work like that. This led me to stay focused on my needs as the wife instead of staying focused on his needs. He should stay focused on mine, it is not my job. I should respect and obey him whether he fulfills my needs or not.
Last night we made love for the first time since our fight. The reason is not because we stayed angry until now. I had my period, then he had the flu and then I got the flu. It was very intense because although we sorted everything out after the fight and we have forgiven each other, I don’t think that we have reached self-forgiveness yet. We both regret loosing our focus and giving into our anger. So while we were making love something happened to me it was overwhelming. I have experienced true submission in the form of passion. I truly felt what it is to give myself to him, to be his. I submitted to his needs and to his will. Normally I would sometimes catch myself thinking “I wish he would do this or that”. But last night nothing matter what I want, nothing was unacceptable I was open for anything he wanted to do to me. I started crying, a cleansing storm of tears. I cried because I hurt him, missed him, wanted and needed him for six days. I cried because of the inner struggle I saw in his eyes for the past six days and he did not want to talk about it. I cried because I suspect he does not feel worthy of my submission because of what happened last week and I cried because he does not understand how much I love him and desperately want this DD-marriage to work for us. He does not completely understand what I need and I don’t always know how to explain it. I cried away all my stress and fear and hurt. He did not ask me why I cried, maybe he felt it too. But it was a good experience for me. I just know now what submission really is about, dying to self and giving yourself up for the one you love, no matter what you will or will not get out of it.
DD is power yet intimacy, authority yet TLC, consequences yet forgiveness, firm yet gentle, controlled yet freedom, leadership yet friendship, consistency yet understanding, structured yet full of passion, rules yet fun. All this should be placed on a scale. If you can balance all these things I have mentioned above. But at the same time keep your heart pure and focused on Jesus, you will have the perfect DD marriage. We are not there yet at all. That I have realized last week. Well, at least, this is my idea of a DD-marriage.