Saturday we had our date night; it was lots of fun as we had to do something creative. We made something with photos for our daughters’ bedroom walls. It was so funny to see my macho man doing girly stuff, isn’t he just the sweetest thing!? I cooked for us and we enjoyed each other’s company. After I rubbed his feet, he very sweetly but firmly gave me an instruction which involved me going to the bedroom. I knew I was in trouble, but didn’t suspect in any form of punishment on our date night since we were all “lovey dovey” the whole evening. Well, apparently he felt he wanted to get that out of the way before we went on with the rest of our date. So we had to mix our business with pleasure. It involved three ties, his hand and his belt. It was a sobering experience since I thought my first encounter with the ties in his closet would be for more erotic reasons and not punishment. But who am I to complain? He is the one in control and the aftercare was really, really good!! It was a very important moment for me in my DD marriage, this was the first time since my first spanking that I did not have any influence or control over the situation. Exactly how it should be!! If I only trusted him earlier I would have spared myself a lot of frustration and tears.
I have realized through all the changes in me that this thing will not work without God. As a Christian this is very important. This was the mistake I made, you see I felt condemned for so long that I did not discuss this with God. I blogged about God, prayed every morning. I said I would pray about DD, but never had the courage. It is as if I wanted to keep God and DD in two separate rooms because deep down I felt ashamed and unsure if He would approve. I did not try to hide it from God, because that is impossible. I just avoided the subject during my personal prayer time. Then a friend gave me these six words and it got stuck in my head: “your ultimate obedience is to God”. Little did I know God started something in me when she said those words to me. Because every time I spent time with Him, or listened to Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince these words were confirmed. “Ask God first”, “Go to God first”, “Trust that God cares about everything in your life”, “Let God in every part of your life” “Believe right then you will live right”, “You can ask God for wisdom for everything”
Tuesday morning I went in my room and for the first time ever, I prayed sincerely for my DD marriage. I was honest I told God everything I wanted and needed. I told Him why I felt condemned; I asked for forgiveness where I did damaged and where I did not trust my husband. I invited Him in, into my DD-marriage. And when I did that a light came on, I could clearly hear these words in my head “How could I have given you my opinion about this if you never asked me? How could I have led your DD- marriage if you never prayed about this?” Suddenly there was peace in me, I could breath and just let go.
I need to trust God first that He knows best and then secondly I need to trust my husband that he will let God lead him in this, in everything. I need to trust my husband that he will develop this thing in his own time the way it is best for both of us, fulfilling both our needs, but still letting God be his advisor and NOT me. How he gains the information and when everything will fall into place is not up to me. I need to let go trusting that he knows what I need and if he doesn’t he will find out in his own way. Everything changed, I no longer wanted to test him by being disobedient or disrespectful to see if he knows what I need and to see if he takes this serious, I no longer feared that I will never get what I want from this. All I wanted to do is to show him how much I trust and appreciate him. All I had on my mind was God is part of this now and He will protect us from making the wrong choices and He will bless us where our intentions are unselfish and pure.
I am not rich, in fact we are living in a country with more problems then solutions. But I am rich in love, my husband loves me and the fact he is even considering all of this brings so much peace. I have two beautiful daughters that think I am the best thing in the world although I have let them down so many times in my impatience. We attend a lovely church that is more like a second family. Then there are my parents that are still alive, in love and together. I have wonderful friends whom I can trust and enjoy life together. I have blog-friends that encourage and support me a lot. Some of you do not even know that you are helping me. Those that communicate with me via e-mail you are so precious to me. I have got a job that is so rewarding because I get to show little children how much Jesus loves them in a country where there is so much sadness and discouragement. Yes, I am rich and blessed and I thank God for wanting to be part of every detail in my life, even when I struggle with my hair in the morning.
This reminds me of the quote I used right at the beginning of my blog:
“No indeed, my life is not what I would have planned for myself. It is infinitely better… For Jesus is in the details of my life. And while it might be my life, it is His story.”
It is only now that I really understand these words completely.