I wish I was an artist that can paint a detailed picture of what I am going through at the moment. There are winds of frustrations, earthquakes of thoughts and tornado’s of emotions inside of me. Sometimes I wish I could leave my flesh for a few moments so that I can wrap my mind around some things without my flesh’s influence, because some days I just don’t know if I am on track. If God is pleased and if I am on my way to improvement or destruction of myself and my marriage.
I have needs sexually and emotionally (who doesn’t?). But we can’t bend en squash the word of God to fit our fleshly desires, this I know. But where in the marriage does this all fit in? Where is the line? For me a spanking is sometimes an emotionally need that is fulfilled and also sometimes a sexual need when it is “in-a- bedroom-playful- manner”. Does this mean we pervert our marriage and our marriage bed? Because the Bible does not speak plainly about this like he does about murder, or fornication or homosexuality etc. So did God leave this part for us to decide in our marriage as we see fit as long as we honor His name and guard our hearts from lust by staying away from pornography and all the things that involve that or am I being sinful just because my husband puts me over his knee every now and then? You see this I don’t know this is what drives me crazy sometimes? I want to be at ease with who I am, because I believe God loves me the way I am. If I think of it, so many people try to make us feel guilty, filthy, weird etc. for wanting this but in the bigger picture, what harm are we doing to anyone? Do I harm my children, my husband, myself, Gods kingdom? Because it certainly does not feel that way. If I harm my relationship with God I would like to know how? I still need Him, believe and love Him, pray, go to church; teach my children and learners at school about Him. My heart did not change. But my marriage has changed for the good. So why do I feel condemned by so many people on the net? I still say if this was really a big deal for God as how to act in the marriage then God would have put something in the Bible that speaks clear enough. If I think of how I feel after a spanking and what we experience afterwards then I don’t understand why not, but then I read stuff on the net about not having fear for punishment etc. all of these statements are good and convincing as well. But for people who does not need a spanking it sounds so logical. But to me it is confusing, I need it point. I don’t know how to say it otherwise, this is me. As for the fear of punishment, well I would just like to say for everything in this world, every choice there is a consequence. God did not spare us that, He does not punish, but it is a natural law for every action there is a reaction. So if we as a couple find something that helps me to cope, consequences for my actions and it works, why not? I am not submitting to my husband because of the fear of punishment, because we made the rules before we even considered spankings. It was something I desired for myself, to be the best organized mom and submissive wife etc I can be. So if I am being spanked I feel loved and unloaded after a good cry and motivated to improve. When I do improve I feel proud of myself, not because I did not fail and will not have to get spanked but because I have reached yet another goal that I have whished for myself. Even in the work place you have to behave a certain way otherwise there will be certain disciplinary steps of the Management’s choice. Note that the wife and the husband in my opinion are in a management team and they decide on these steps together. In the work place the management will also be subject to these disciplinary steps if they violate a company rule. God designed order. But he made us unique human beings that work it out for our selves where as to apply our knowledge appropriately and also as it fit our personal needs. My husband is subject to God and I am subject to my husband, together as one in the flesh we are subject to God.
Some people need me-time, some people need sleeping pills, some people need physiological help, some people need to take a speedy drive on a bike, some people need a nice big fat chocolate, some people need a good gym session etc to cope or to unwind, to stay intact. Well sometimes I need a spanking. So where do I not honor God, where is God NOT in control of my marriage?